I Won’t Remain the Same

Albus and I have a routine and I don’t take it lightly. I prayed for this routine. I sought God out long and hard on having this particular structure in my life. 
I still struggle, a lot! But the beautiful truth is that the structure remains even if I fail. The Holy Spirit has been doing major surgery on who I am. The recovery has been tedious, long, exhausting, and at times I felt like I was dying slowly. My mind can seem like a black hole that throws me into a realm of nothing but turmoil. It is more real than anything I have ever dealt with mentally and it’s terrifying. This place has made me dig deeper into who God is. What it was and still tries to turn me into is completely outside of the truth of who God says I am. God wants me to thrive in life. Not pass it by, by being numb. God’s Word says I can have the fullness of joy, I do not have to coexist with misery. Hebrews tells us, “The Word is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” 
The only way I have been able to recover from my turmoil is by placing the Word in my life. Every area of my life. I had to learn something new about my relationship with the Word. I had to set it within my sights to make reading it a part of my daily routine. But mainly my outlook had to change. I do not deserve a single thing from God, not one thing. Yet, He gives me everything. My expectation had gotten twisted somewhere along the way. I started to come before God expecting something. Usually expecting Him to do something because I had this long list of things, I did for Him. My attitude was, ok now do something for me. (Yes, insert bug-eyed laughter because I laugh at myself) But I had no idea that is what I was doing. When the revelation came, and repentance flooded my heart. These are the words my soul sang. 
“You don’t owe me anything, still You give me everything.”
The lover of my soul, the One who paid the highest price, doesn’t owe me a single thing! Yet, He made a way for eternity to be an option for my sinful heart. 
He is the lover of my soul and I do not have to win His approval. He was radically in love with me before the foundations of the earth. When He breathed the breath of life into my lungs, His heart yearned for me to know Him. Treasures awaited my arrival. A life filled with goodness was at my fingertips and all He wanted was for me to say His name, “Abba.”
Isn’t that what we all want when a baby enters the world. We long to hear the one we would trade our lives for say, “Momma.” “Papa.” 
Jesus willingly gave His life for mine so that I could know Him more. He surrendered His throne to rescue a heart as fragile as mine. He longs to make me whole and all it takes is a simple “Abba, here I am.”
He is worthy of it all. Everything I could possibly offer is worth it. But the beautiful, mind-blowing truth is that the ONLY thing He wants is YOU. Me!
My mess. My brokenness. Everything I am not is what He wants. 
He is worthy of it all. I owe Him everything and I want Him more than anything. 
I want Him more than anything. 
The stillness is ok.
The rest is ok. 
The silence is ok. 
The darkness is ok. 
He doesn’t owe me anything.
I want Him more than anything. 
Eternity is the goal and my heart will line up, accept the stillness, embrace the rest, and say again and again and again.
You are the lover of my soul. 
You will not let go. 
You don’t owe me anything.
I want you more than anything. 

My daily routine is finally feeling like life and life abundantly. I have by no means mastered my anxiety or kicked depression to the curb. Nor am I in any way perfect. But my intentions have changed focus and that focus is Him. One hundred percent Him. Working – for Him. Breathing – For Him. Working out – for Him. Playing with my dog at the park – for Him. Reading the Word – to know Him. Being patient – because of Him. Nothing around me really changed, I am the one whose changing.