It’s going to be ok.

It’s going to be ok.

It’s going to be ok.

It’s going to be ok.

It’s going to be ok are the five words that create their own melody in my mind. I hum them while I work and sing them while I bathe. Why is it that I so often I must remind myself that is it in fact going to be, ok? That I am, ok? Why does worry and the lack of giving enough of my time, myself, my thoughts, and my actions always seem to prove inadequate? I could scream at this version of me. When I allow the walls to close in and my heart to close off… I want to shake her and make her see true reality.

I cannot help but wonder if anyone else sees themselves as someone completely different. Someone shaped by the thoughts you can’t seem to hold back about yourself. And although your thoughts are warped and mislead by lies you know you believe, this version of you isn’t the one who scares you. The version that scares you is the one you face in the mirror. The one who always looks back at you all too willing to drag you under. But the one inside is who you escape to because here you are in control. You can control which light to turn on, which door gets to be opened, which lock stays firmly in place.

Does anyone else imagine themselves as someone greater all the while screaming into the abyss, it’s all going to be ok?