I Needed the World To Stop

To be completely honest. 

I needed the world to stop. I needed life to slow down. I needed some kind of relief. 

God had been preparing me for this time for over a year. I didn’t realize the depth of it but I knew it was coming. And with everything He shared with me, He told me to expect great loss. Did I know what that meant? Could have I imagined the magnitude of it – ABSOLUTELY NOT. I’ve lost three people close to me. Two because of the virus and I can’t go comfort their families. I can’t go love on my family and friends because the world has stopped. 

But for me personally, I NEEDED IT to stop. I’m not talking about needing a vacation or a few days away by yourself. No, I’m talking the point to where mentally if something doesn’t let up, I was going to just lose it and watch it light itself up in flames. 

I can’t talk about the things that make me want to cry so hard I hyperventilate. I can’t talk about the situations that literally make my chest hurt and head pound so hard it feels like I’m going to die. I can’t explain the depth of any of it but it’s there and it’s more than a thousand daggers. It’s more than death lurking at my door. 

My body has been struggling with this whole quarantine. I developed a severe case of bronchitis the week school let out. I got treated like I was a walking plague because my body just went into shut down mode. I couldn’t breathe without feeling like I was drowning. I’d cough so hard it’d turn into a fit and my body would go into panic mode because it couldn’t stop to breathe. It lasted weeks and I still have my cough. I didn’t realize the weight of fear I was carrying until my test results came back negative for Covid-19. There is nothing like it. Because it’s not just about me. It’s about all those around me. Then I developed kidney stones for the first time in my life and it took days for them to pass. I overcompensated by trying not to use the left side of my body and pulled a few muscles on my right side. Now, I have to sit and allow my body time to heal. All I’ve done is sit and lie down and it has sucked. But I needed the world to stop for everything my body has gone through, is still trying to recover from. 

All this time though, sick, wishing for death in certain moments…. All of it has made me rest in the arms of my Father. 

Loss isn’t the end. Eternity is theirs. 

Sickness, this body’s just a shell. It’s my soul that has to be well. 

The turmoil that crushes my chest, it all belongs to Him. 

God is the only one who can do anything about it. 

The tears that fall from that pain will never outdo the ones that fall because of His extravagant love. 

My war cry is an anthem of victory. My joy has grown and I am starting to see it more clearly. 

Joy resides in the Lord. 

Yes, chaos is here. 

Yes, death is here. 

Yes, pain is here. 

Yes, to every bad thing. 

But Jesus is here. 

Even better— He is inside of me. And because He is with me and within me. 

All the things that try ripping me to pieces, simply can’t. 

I come before Him undone and wrecked but then I get up, take a deep breath and trust Him with everything. 

I can have joy. 

I can have peace. 

I can have hope. 

I can love. 

Jesus is my goal. 

My only goal. 

I needed the world to stop so that I could rely on Him more than ever before. 

Without any distractions. 

Without any obligations. 

I needed Him and He stopped my world from turning so that my soul could be realigned. 

I’m not perfect. 

I return to the throne again and again so that I don’t crush under the weight of my own heart. 

But I’m learning to cut those ties and truly let go. 

The Word is my greatest comfort. 

I pray it over my life and believe it. 

Just because it “should” bother me doesn’t mean it will. 

I trust in the One who died for the world. 

I trust in the One who calls His children by name. 

He alone is Jesus. 

He doesn’t need my help. 

And I don’t have the power to interrupt His plan. 

He stopped the world so that I could discover a new depth of who He is. My discomfort helped put me there.