Joy Full of Glory Becoming Mine

I’m learning how-to live-in joy. I’m learning how to breathe it in and actually rest in it. 

I’m learning how to accept it as part of who I am. 

Before, I could count on my fingers the moments of pure bliss, but they all were followed by heartache and pain. I couldn’t remember any of those moments of joy without a crushing weight of sorrow. 

It might sound a little crazy, but I would do my best to think of a wonderful thought without pain in the mix and I couldn’t. As a child I would picture myself with Peter Pan, only to be left sitting knowing my happy thought would not whisk me away because my heart ache was greater.  

As a child I talked to God about everything. There was a song and a story for everything I could see, touch, taste, and smell. It was our secret language. So much so my world shattered when my mom told me everyone could hear me humming. I legit went off and cried because I thought it was my secret language with God no one else could hear. (Sweet baby Angela)

So much goodness has happened within my life, truly it has. I am truly blessed. But all the questions that weigh on my heart. The ones that keep me digging and digging until I’ve uprooted the very seed from which they all individually birthed from – they hold the truth I feel like I NEED to keep pressing forward.

God told me some time ago that I would no longer live in my brokenness, and it scared me to death. Literal fear because who was I without it? Who was I without the sorrow, disappointment, and pain? I lived for a week in pure terror! But at the end of the week, I looked up into the eyes of my Savior and said, “I have no idea what that looks like or how to even begin but if you say so, I will give it my all.” 

How does one walk in freedom if one has never known freedom? 

I knew the stories. I read the Word but my flesh and what I knew kept me from it. Pure fear kept me from it. My heart accepted that my brokenness was a part of loving God. My mind believed brokenness was part of who I was, and it was just fabricated into my very DNA. I knew I was loved by God. I knew He could make me whole. The thing is I didn’t know the depths His healing could reach in me until He said, “I would not live in a place of brokenness anymore!” Brokenness and joy have always been one in the same. I couldn’t have one without the other. My heart would sing His praise in the midst of the pain without relenting. Tears would fall as I sang of His goodness and love. But I never imagined I would have to learn joy. True. Deep. Everlasting joy. In His presence I knew it. I felt it. But plainly, I didn’t know how to attain it in my day-to-day life. 

I would search for it. I spent countless hours studying. Word digging. Praying. Sermons. Teachings. You name it, I pursued it. I was beating down the door asking and seeking. And you want to know where I found it? In the stillness. Brick by brick I was building a foundation to stand upon. All my seeking and knocking built me a beautiful foundation that has turned into a magnificent wall. Gates have formed and I stand high on it looking toward heaven, assured my God answers my call. The gates are a display of His hand within and over my life. I can boldly say, “Come this way. His love is a safe place. His heart is for you. He hears you and in Him you will find rest for your weary souls. In Him you will have peace, understanding, and strength. He is worth the risk. Jesus loves you more than you could ever fathom and deeper than you have ever known love. Come and abide.”

And the part that is the most mesmerizingly beautiful is that He is more than enough. Getting to know the one who created you – His passion for you never stops. Every time you take a step deeper into His love, in your relationship with Him, a whole new world is already awaiting you. His love isn’t stagnant. There is no end to it. And His love didn’t stop for you on the cross. His love for you goes on and on and it will last an eternity.  

The thing is, we do not realize we have shifted forward until we look back. It is usually after the shift happens; we realize we even moved at all. 

But it goes so much deeper and so much further than we could ever imagine. 

The places I used to dream about arriving too, are now the places I look back on. 

And for each dream, even the blessings showered upon my life I didn’t know I hoped for – arriving and attaining only made me run into the Fathers arms. Because that goodness no matter how big or how small made me see how much I needed to learn and heal. 

Many times, it has been like I am a child again. Walking, trusting my Father only for Him to stop me dead in front of the most beautiful, lit up, massive wheel and being told I could get into a seat for a chance to be closer to the stars. Fear, excitement, trust, doubt and all the feels gripping my heart until I allowed myself to rest next to His warmth and when we reached the top – pure magic where only the stars, me, and Him remained. 

My Ferris Wheel with God has taken form over the years. But He always leads me to a high place. I am no longer hiding behind His legs, hiding my face in His arm, or refusing to look anywhere but His face. Now, I know without a shadow of a doubt He is with me. He holds my hand and will never let me go. 

Since the very day He told me brokenness would no longer be a part of who I am, I have spent my days becoming that sweet truth. It makes me laugh as I recall the times I have completely blown it by falling back into that old wineskin. But my Father is so patient with me. And the laughter that fills my soul is a brick that goes into my foundation. 

God has brought me into a beautiful place with Him, one I could have never imagined. Even though I do not get it right on the first or millionth time, every step I take in believing – will one day turn into a motion of me looking back realizing, I am already standing in the fullness of His joy. 

And that is something that truly sets me a blaze in His laughter. 

He is the reason I sing. The reason I am alive. He is the reason I breathe. 

He is my delight, and I am His.