Lingering in 2020

A year, wow! Really, a year? I cannot believe it. So much of nothing and even still everything has happened within this year. I just can’t believe it is a year come and gone.Why did I answer with so much of nothing and even still everything? I was already in the wilderness when the world went into chaos. God brought me here six years ago so the fear of things ending didn’t faze me much. The unknown wasn’t something to fear or look towards with anxiety. I have been sojourning for a while now, peace is found by trusting in my Father. I have had to dig up some serious roots and remove ties that were damaging to my soul. At times the wilderness physically hurt. The kind of pain that grips your chest and makes you feel like you are being crushed under the weight of things you alone feel. One of the requests I have asked of God is to teach me how to not be controlled by my emotions but by His spirit alone. To make such a request and earnestly mean it requires major dying to self. I consider myself a very emotional person, not saying that it’s a bad thing, I know I experience things deeply. But I never want my fleshly emotions to rule over me. I have seen and experienced too much to question the bible telling us they will lead us astray. I know I will never master such a thing but my drive to try is endless passion. My desire is to be Christ-like in all things and this year has been a hard road. My tent of grace has been the Holy Spirit. This time, seeking is different. Lingering and abiding are different. It has required more. It has shown me the depths of who I am and put me in a stillness like no other. It doesn’t look or feel like anything I have ever known, and I have had to learn what it means to have a zealous passion. Passion to know God and for that passion to be enough. I have been learning how to love God by simply existing and breathing. It has taken me closing my eyes, focusing on my heartbeat, and truly knowing that the rhythm my body silently sings is pleasing to God. Resting in the wonder of how He created me and lingering there.

Passion has consumed my heart for His Word and the truth it holds. I finished the one thing I told Him I would do and praise, adoration, thankfulness, and gratitude wash over me like grace, warm, vibrant, and assured. I read His Word daily. Wrote it across my heart and meditated on it. For the first time in my life, I read the entire bible in a year. At times I found myself telling him no, I was tired but then it turned into part of my daily life. It started to fit perfectly into my schedule. Reading and listening to the Word has changed me. I also found hard truths about myself I didn’t want to admit. Lingering with God this past year sounded, looked, and felt different. My flesh put up a hard fight and I am by no means perfect. By no means have I mastered my emotions or actions, but I know I am closer to Him than I have ever been before. I know His grace runs deeper still. His mercies are new every morning and I am learning how to wake up, passionately in love with my maker. I have gained an understanding that has trumped all I have ever known. I am known by God and my heart is captivated by his love. The road is narrow and if you look upon it with your eyes, you will feel alone, defeated, and lost but God is a faithful father, and the promise of the Holy Spirit is our greatest comfort. This past year was loud, so very loud, and yet we were all pulled into His loving embrace. It took paying attention to see it. It took shutting out the noise to hear those gentle whispers. God didn’t create us to do this life on our own, we need his help. This isn’t a weakness but a great triumphant victory that proclaims, “Greater is He that is in me than anything or anyone in this world.”