Waves like Pages

July 14th – Journal Entry

Words flowing like a wave before my eyes. They caress my skin, dancing along unseen limbs. Grabbing my hair and painting it like art amongst the air. Words upon words gliding along my fingertips, causing me to dance in a melody I could have never imagined.
Every part of me ignites and I feel as if I am free falling no, soaring.
Words upon words capturing my heart…
This is what it feels like to breathe again.

January 3 – Journal Entry

Remove everything from the table
Throw it against the wall
Let’s start over
Just breathe
It’s ok if this takes a while
Focus on you
The melody that makes you tick
Focus on that one thing that pulls your heart from the pit
Take a deep breath
Enter my rest
Be patient with yourself
Find the melody that makes you tick
Relax your body
Escape into the stars
Relax your body and fall into my arms
Listen to my heart
Allow yourself to fall in sync
It’s ok if this is hard
I’ll be patient
I won’t let you go
Listen for the rhythm
You don’t have far to go
Everything is gone
We can rebuild it together
Trust me my daughter
Find your rhythm
Listen for the sound
Waves like pages
I’m waiting to be found

July 14th – Aftermath

God has such a way of positioning us exactly where we need to be. I keep saying how I am no longer going to be afraid but I still find myself standing still, unmovable. I fill my laptop and phone with words that never see the light of day because of fear. I don’t want to be preached to. I don’t want you to tell me it will be ok. I… I just want you to read them and if they permeate, then simply let them.

All of my life I have been told I am too deep and too sensitive. And it has wrapped like a vise around my entire being. So, I fill my life with words only God ever hears. But July 13 that changed. I sat down and wrote until 4:45 am the following morning. I finally threw fear out the front door and words upon words consumed my soul. I wrote without holding back until the words were blurs. 3,464 words released without fear.

When I sat at my table that morning to talk to God about all that transpired, I wrote the first paragraph at the top of this page. I felt free. Like a part of my soul I kept hidden away was finally released from its prison, seeing the light of day. Then the Holy Spirit took me back to my January journal entry and all I could do was sit thunderstruck. I couldn’t do anything but stare at it. I know I haven’t “arrived” but this step of freedom has been everything within me.

I know it will continue to challenge me and how I hope the fear in me continues to flee.