Whispers in the Dwelling

For the first time since Josh and I finished my office space, I laid down and put myself in the presence of Jesus. I wasn’t studying, I wasn’t praying, I wasn’t busy like all the times before while in here – I simply laid in the floor and closed my eyes, allowing myself to dwell. I kept saying over and over again – I am still in love. You are the one I want. You are who I want. I want all of you, forever. I am still in love with you. I want to be known by you. I want to know you. I am still in love with you. I want to know you.

Tears didn’t fall like normal; it was a simple profound truth I needed to hear myself say. It has been two months since I stopped. I am not even sure “stopped” is the correct word. I feel like I was in a grand library and I simply pealed myself from my table, walked to a couch in front of the fireplace and decided not to move. I stopped pressing in. I stopped studying. I stopped pulling books off the shelves. I stopped going back over notes. I… I stopped trying so hard. I silenced my mind in what seems like the first time ever and just remained. So many questions seemed to plague my mind. Truths of the Word started to haunt me, and I needed it to stop.

While dwelling, my soul was whispering. I physically didn’t have any words left. The doubt I was feeling wasn’t in God. It wasn’t fear that He wouldn’t hold true to His promise. It was exhaustion that moved me here. Exhaustion from fighting myself so hard every minute of every day. My eyes have remained closed, but I can feel Him. He hasn’t left my side. My soul hasn’t stopped listening to His gentle whispers, giving me life and assurance. I haven’t needed to move or say a word. It is enough that I am just remaining.

For the first time in my life, I finally stopped and allowed my soul to abide more than a moment. I allowed myself to just exist in the present and live out what I know of Jesus without trying so hard. And if someone is reading this, I know this probably doesn’t make any sense, but this is a time in my life I will remember forever. I have had so many doubts concerning myself. I could preach sermon after sermon full of truth and wisdom and love. But when it comes to myself, my mind goes to war saying it has to do more!! Always more and it is exhausting. The last seven years of my life have been spent trying to learn how to abide. To know how to rest for longer than a moment. And I made progress for the first time, two months ago. (which is probably not true at all but at the moment it is how I feel) And I am not sure what comes next and for once, I am not trying to figure it out.

But while I have been abiding spiritually, physically when I speak, I can hear the Word flowing like graceful waves. When I laugh, I feel the freedom in it. When I wake up, I am at peace with the day. When I surround myself with people I love, I see a light in their eyes, twinkling like firelight. And all of it, even the things I don’t know how to put into words, lead me back to Him.

And my soul whispers – I am in love with you. You are the one I want. You are who I want. I want all of you, forever. I am still in love with you. I want to be known by you. I want to know you. I am still in love with you. I want to know you. But I am not breaking down the door or frantically going through the notes of my life. I am simply sitting in front of a grand fireplace abiding with the Lover of my soul in the stillness.