Willingly Treading
Day 54: Let’s set the scene.
The birds are just beginning to wake but they aren’t as loud. The rain has taken over the earth’s symphony creating a dance my heart cannot help but seek to be a part of. I watch as raindrops race down the window, like lovers chasing one another and I cannot help but to smile when they are caught. Shadows are slowly starting to disappear, and newness is here. The night is becoming a memory and this edge of the storm feels like home.
Prayer has become something I could have never imagined. At the start, I asked God if I should share this journey daily and invite people to be a part of it. In my own self, I want everyone to have an intimate relationship with Jesus and if I can help, if I can create a door – I will. But doing things outside of the will of the Father is exhausting. God has already healed me so much from self-sabotage, I didn’t want to create something that was just in my own understanding. So, here I am praying and clear as day He says, “Do not prostitute your intimacy with me.”
Was I awe-struck? Mouth hanging open to the floor? Eyes as wide as saucers? Yes! Yes, I was. And not for a couple of minutes. No! This lasted days.
And when I cleared my throat and found my voice, all that came from my lips was thanksgiving and gratitude. God’s kingdom is not of this world. It isn’t the culture here and it has taken a lot of surrender on my part to understand the depths of that simple truth.
All God asked of me was my time with Him in prayer. And it has become everything. Growing up as an evangelist’s kid, I was surrounded by people and prayer. As I would stand there or even lie in the chairs, I would listen. Even as a kid, I knew when someone read their bible. You cannot help but to notice, their prayers sound different and hold a different authority. And as a child, I would tell God, “I cannot wait to get my own prayer language! I want it to sound just like you.” I had witnessed what powerful prayers could do and I wanted to know and become it. I wanted to make the sound that captured people’s hearts and led them into His love.
(Sidenote – Kid’s know and understand more than you could ever imagine.)
That prayer has sounded different over the years, but the bottom line has remained the same, “Lord, I want to sound and look just like you.”
And becoming like Jesus has been exhausting. My flesh is absolutely exhausted.
In 54 days, I have come to see how much control my flesh has over me and it is anything but pretty. But I wouldn’t trade a single thing because I know, I am being made new. If I must tread water for the rest of my life just to get closer to Him, so be it. It is not by my strength but His.
Right now, my soul remains at the window, praying, watching the rain, as I become completely His.
