Panic & Prayer

Day 36

Since the beginning of this year, I have felt like I was at a loss. God had been doing a major work within the depths of my soul and to be honest it hurt. Not pain like heart break but the kind of pain where you feel stripped bare, where all you feel is raw. It’s easy to talk about the goodness of Jesus and the encompassing love of the Father but when it comes to the Spirit stripping you down of all that you are… People don’t really share that part because it means having to reveal the depths that we don’t even want to admit to our Creator. 

But I knew within myself I didn’t want to give up what God was asking of me this time around. And it’s funny… So funny how God continues to pull on your heart until we listen and obey. 

I was sitting with my church family, and everyone was sharing what God has done and is doing and when it came to me, I was brutally honest about myself. I started off by saying I am not a fan of all this confirmation. Which had everyone laughing because we know God never says anything to us without confirmation. But the eight people in the room who confirmed what God was asking of me was only the cherry on top because the Monday before, my sister-in-law shared with me what God was asking of her. And wouldn’t you know it was the exact thing He was asking of me only in a different way. It took me till that Friday to respond to her and when I did, I preached a sermon to myself. We laughed. We cried. And we admitted it was hard but doable. Piece by piece we could surrender it and abide in hope. Now, Sunday. All these smiling faces with tear stains because God has been showing up and showing out in their lives. Their hope in who He is filling the room and then there’s me. Keep in mind I laughed and cried and was present in their testimonies rejoicing and believing for the things uttered from their lips. I know when approaching the throne of grace, He expects us to be real. And when we share and ask for prayer, especially around the people we know call our name at the mercy seat, most of the time it isn’t going to be pretty. 

Exhibit A: “Alright! God is asking for the kernel part of who I am, and I do not want to give it. I feel like I have given Him enough already and I just don’t think this part should matter. Which is a bold face lie, I know. I could never repay Him for all that He has done. But I don’t want to give it to Him. Better yet, I just think I don’t know how. I give Him all my time as it is, and I just don’t think it’s fair that He is asking for more of it. I told Him I grabbed the stamp myself, stamped my own forehead with the word rebellion and was fully aware I was walking in disobedience. Yep! Hands on the hips and all. But fact is, I am struggling to willingly give Him this time He is asking for. It’s a deep kernel part and I just need prayer on willingly walking in surrender. Because right now, my flesh is saying what I do is enough even though my soul strongly disagrees.” Then I sat back in my chair as they all laughed at my frankness. As they all presume to tell me they can’t wait to see what God is going to do when I become an obedient daughter. Words full of encouragement love, truth, and lots of “you better get over yourself, repent, and get on with it”. Which I love because they are my people, and they call me higher. 

Then Tuesday comes around and I cannot sleep. It’s two o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake. So, what do you do when you can’t sleep? You pray! 

“Ok God. I am going to pray, and I am not going to allow my mind to wonder. I am going to stay focused and listen.” I am a little way into my prayer when I get to my rebellion and disobedience. And I say, “Father, I do not know how to give you more time.” And then I precede to list out my day like He doesn’t know the number of times I blink, swallow, and breathe in a full day. “You are going to have to help me because I cannot do it on my own. I know I could never say thank you enough, never do enough and all you ask of me is obedience and I can’t. Help me.” As soon as I stopped talking, I heard. “I want you to pray.” 

Me- “Is that not what I am doing!” (And I like to imagine a tiny Sarcastic Angela that usually needs to be drowned in holy water and then another somewhat Rational Angela) As soon as I said it Rational Angela slaps a hand over Sarcastic Angela’s mouth and says, “I’m sorry Lord. You said pray. What do you mean by pray?” 

Him – I want you to pray the Word.

Insert- A glare from Rational Angela as Sarcastic Angela tries to speak even though the hand is holding fast. 

Me- Ok, pray the word I can do that.

Him – I want you to pray it in a year.

Imagine- All three Angela’s immediate panic. Hysteria as you will. 

There was no more listening just a constant flow of panicked words. “Do you know who you are talking to? Do you know what I do in a day?” Again, I list out my day from waking up to sleep. And key in on the sleep that I don’t get and so on and so forth. I’m so out of sorts I text my sweet sister-in-law telling her that I hoped I woke her up at 2am because she helped this happen and I was going to share my panic and drag her in on the blame. My hysteria lasted until I rolled out of bed, pushed it aside for work, came home, and then invaded my husband’s personal space to share with him what God said. 

And do you know the audacity of this man!! When I finish and legit take a deep breath like a cartoon – He dead pans me. “Angela, I do not know why you are freaking out. You spend more time with God and studying than anyone I know and all He did was ask you to spend more time praying.” Then he preceded to break down my day and talk perfect sense. “All He did was ask you to pray and you are freaking out for no reason at all.” And as he is saying all these sensible things, it hits me. I am freaking out because it’s actual instructions. For so long I have been winging it. I have been doing what I know and then God clearly tells me how to let go of this kernel and immediate panic was my response.

But I am telling you this is why you surround yourself with a community who encourages you, prays for you, and calls you out in truth. 

My prayer journey didn’t start until a week later because I had major things requiring my time. But I came home to a new journal and a beautiful leather-bound Chronological Bible and snazzy pens. I had shared with Joshua my OCD self was going to be an issue and if I was going to do this a new journal and pens were required. And that I’d try to find a Chronological Bible at a secondhand store. But as always, He took care of me. 

And that is the start of my new depth with Jesus. I told myself I would write it all out, so I don’t forget. 

I have no idea what to do except start. I know it’s going to change and transform me from the inside out. I also know there will be days I’m pumped about it and days I do not want to do it. But He asked, so in return, I will give it my all. (without panic) *maybe a little panic!

Always for the King. May He be high and lifted up.  ~ Angela