Free Fall
This past week, I crumbled. Everywhere I looked was brokenness, anguish, defeat, loss, despair, lies, loneliness, death, resentment, and it all just kept coming. I couldn’t take one step without it weighing on me. And I crumbled under the weight of it all.
I do what I like to call “brain dumps.” It’s where I just write it all out, let God hear all of it, no hold backs. Because I don’t want the weight of this world to steal my peace. I don’t want my mind to hold me captive. So, when I am done being real as rain with God, I surrender it all. I sit there, repent, and allow the Holy Spirit to bring my soul, heart, and mind back into alignment. I open my bible and spend time with my Savior.
We must allow that time to take place, or we will pick it all up again. We must remind ourselves of the truth and the promises of the Father. The Word tells us to store the Word of the Lord in our hearts. To meditate on it day and night. Chaos and burdens too easily take up room at the forefront of our minds. That is why we must train ourselves in surrender and obedience.
The Brain Dump:
**These last two months have carried a weight I haven’t had to face in such a long time. And I have found myself ready to fall off the edge. Crumble into a million pieces and be ok remaining in that free fall. Be ok with giving in to myself and embracing something easier. But would it be easier? Would it be easier to become a numb version of myself? Throwing in the towel and shutting it all off. Would that be easier? Who would I be? And that’s it. That is all I can ask.
But you see, there is this voice that has captivated my soul and it’s His. When I stand on the edge, overwhelmed with life. Seeing the brokenness and loss that is so great it takes my breath away; I find myself reaching for Him.
My thoughts have been overlapping themselves, raging a war I seem to have no control over. Sleep is foreign. How can night be longed for and deeply dreaded in equal measures? I do not doubt God or where He is or what He is doing. It’s the plague of “I could do so much more.” It is the endless battle for dominance in my mind. It is seeing, hearing, and feeling the things of heaven and staying silent. But then pulling it apart asking over and over, “what if I said too much.”
Crumbling while free falling sounds too good to be true.
I guess that is why He promises to catch us in His everlasting arms. He knew days would be too heavy and without a second thought He chooses to intervene.
But today is a day I wish for heaven – where there will be more tears and no more pain. Days of perfect peace simply praising His name.
Knowing who God is and what He can do feels like a burden too large to carry.**
The thing about our emotions is that they can lie to us. Make it seem like tomorrow could never possibly come. That God doesn’t care and that He has abandoned us. They tell us we are being punished or not good enough. The lies just go on and on.
But in your state of vulnerability, you have to turn to Jesus. Run into His arms and allow your heart to trust Him. We must train ourselves in turning to Him first.
When I finished my brain dump, I surrendered. I sat in His presence, being held in His arms and I allowed Him to comfort me and speak truth over me. I turned my ears to the sound of His voice and all I heard was truth and love. I asked Him why I allowed the burdens to weigh me down. I asked Him how come I couldn’t let them go this time. And then, I listened.
He reminded me that I walk a narrow road and how I have proven I will continue pursuing His heart. How the enemy’s greatest tactic against me is to load me down like a mule until I crumble. But He reminded me that I am His and what He calls me to, He equips me for. How His burden is easy, and His yoke is light. That they are easy and light because they are His. So, when I see and experience all these things that are too heavy to carry, I must surrender it all to Him. His arms are the everlasting arms that do not get weary. Great is His love and unyielding is His faithfulness. I was reminded of Psalm 116.
Psalm 116
1 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”
5 The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
8 For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
10 I trusted in the Lord when I said,
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
“Everyone is a liar.”
12 What shall I return to the Lord
for all his goodness to me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the Lord.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.
15 Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;
I serve you just as my mother did;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the Lord—
in your midst, Jerusalem. Praise the Lord.
When I got up, I was new.
I encourage you to surrender the burdens of your heart. Don’t allow your emotions to get in the way of what God has in store for you. Do what you need to do, write them out, speak them out loud but ALWAYS give God room to heal and restore. Dig into scripture and remind yourself of truths that have and will set you free.
Free fall into the arms of the Savior. Do not allow the enemy to rule your life with lies. Trust God like never before and be captivated in His love.
