I Said it First
It’s funny but the one thing Josh and I like to mess with each other about, ok maybe argue about – is who said it first. It’s been a constant since we were dating. I love you is one of those on the list. Neither one of us is willing to give in and say, “Ya, you said it first.” Negative ghost rider, I definitely said it first! I’ll never give in.
I also have a lot of useless information in my brain and Josh has to fact check me every single time. Ugh, it can drive me insane but it shows me that he listens to me. So many times I let my brain take over and accuse him of not trusting me or thinking I was dumb. Most times offense doesn’t enter my mind but sometimes it gets to me. But I have learned and am learning to “patiently” wait for him to click that screen off and change the topic. Ha! We usually end up laughing while I’m trying to drag a “You were right” out of him. It’s those little things that make us, us. It’s amazing how something so special can turn itself into offense when you get comfortable. I don’t mind being loud and out there. Josh, on the other hand, is the one who makes things happen. He knows how to run the show. I swear, he is good at everything. It blows my mind. Josh has always pushed me forward never wanting anything but for me to thrive.
That is a beautiful part of the love inside of him and if I’m being completely honest, it’s taken me some time to accept it.
Whatttt!!! Yes. My flesh was not ok with him not standing beside me, not being seen. I would hold it against him and practically tell him how he let me down again and again. AND I HAD NO IDEA I WAS DOING IT. I would encourage him and try to help him. BUT I WASN’T ENCOURAGING AND I WASN’T HELPING. I was causing hurt and implementing doubt and failure. When God revealed this entire truth to me – it took me days to recover. Days!!! And as I’m writing this I’m crying because I was telling Josh how God made him and his gifting wasn’t good enough for me to be satisfied.
I shared on our anniversary how God calls my husband, Papa Josh. I have it on my phone as his contact to constantly remind me how God sees him. To remind myself that God is completely satisfied in how He created Josh and MY satisfaction can only come from God himself. Since my repentance and complete renewed outlook. I don’t feel alone in being out there because my husband was designed to be the pillar that I lean on into God. He’s the force pushing me forward into the unknown because of his trust in who God is. Josh isn’t like me, he doesn’t have the same relationship I have with God and that is beautiful. He is so grounded, so full of honor, and has so much wisdom it constantly challenges me to step it up. I’m not saying he’s perfect but I am saying, he is scandalously loved by God and I see that. I have to remind myself of that.
So my challenge to you would be to look at yourself. All the things you take out on one person or on everyone – is it really their fault? Or are you blaming them for it because you haven’t received that the thing you crave the most from the One who designed it and you!