I Won’t

Most of my nights are spent in a realm all its own. I’m here but not. My mind is going a hundred to nothing and most times I want to stay in that reality. I want to remain within the melody my soul is dancing along to. I want to remain in my secret place with God and never leave. And if I am being really honest, it sometimes puts me in a major state of depression. My flesh starts telling me how much easier it would be to just forsake this life. It starts pointing out every error, every place of neglect, and it doesn’t let up. Once I pay attention to it, even in the slightest – it runs a marathon and wears me out completely. My sweet alone time with God has now turned into a nightmare because I let it. 
There it is. Truth. I let it! I let my flesh sink its teeth in my heart and twist my entire reality. The melody that was just gently restoring my soul is now tearing it apart piece by piece. Ripping it to shreds with resentment. Goodness within my life starts to fade like a candle wearing down and before too long, whooo, it is gone completely. Nothing exists but darkness and everything has ever gone wrong. My mind is completely stolen and the trust I had in God is on trial. I start blaming Him for not intervening. I question His authority. I accuse Him of leaving us all alone. I yell His promises to His face and dare Him to answer me. I slam the door as I storm out of His presence and immediately melt on the floor, unable to control my emotions and tears. But He stands there. He doesn’t leave. He doesn’t get defensive. He doesn’t yell back at me. The door I thought I slammed popped open and there He is, asking me to look at Him. But I can’t. My flesh won and I am ashamed. I am ashamed of how easily my switch flipped. I am ashamed of how my trust was so easily lost in my raging sea of emotions. I am ashamed of our sweet alone time being tarnished because I let my mind slip off of Him. But the more I say no, the sweeter His voice sounds. I am such a mess, tearstained, gasping for air and there He still is, wanting me. When I finally let go, I find myself running into His arms with force and I am welcomed. I repent with all of my heart. I can hardly find the words, but He pulls me in close and runs His fingers through my hair and calls me beloved. Our melody fills the atmosphere and there I am again, lost in all that He is. I am like a child, lost in my Fathers embrace being sung a lullaby that imparts peace. I am forgiven and being made whole, again. Every time I rest in His arms, I understand a little more of who He is. The battle my mind and flesh try to start within my soul and spirit is getting easier to ignore. My defense is the One I am melting into. My rear guard is the One holding my heart. His reality is becoming my resting place, my dwelling and I cannot stay the same. I won’t.