Risking My Heart

Today, I saw someone say, yay for vulnerability posts. I immediately got on my phone trying to see if there was such a thing as a day dedicated to vulnerability. I mean, now a days you can never be too sure. But for any of you wondering, no there is not a national vulnerability day. 

But I thought, I believe in being vulnerable so, God, how can I be vulnerable today! 

So, here we go down my rabbit hole. 

The one big way I am vulnerable is in my writing. It is the one thing God commissioned me to do and to be honest, it scares me. Not the writing part and not necessarily the sharing part. It is what the to do with it part. In all reality I am sitting on two books, one workbook, three children’s books, a prayer podcast, countless spoken words, and all kinds of ideas to further advance the kingdom. I have a closet bursting at the seams with words that I don’t know what to do with. And the not knowing what to do with it all is what paralyzes me. And sometimes it terrifies me so much I don’t even want to write it down because I know it’ll sit in my journal or just be words trapped in a screen. 

So, here lately I have been escaping. I have been filling my time with reading other people’s works of art. To me writing is an art, and it engulfs me in every way imaginable. I found out recently that there are people who cannot imagine what they read. It has earned itself as one of the most heart-breaking things I have ever heard. It is a prayer of healing I did not know I was missing concerning others. Just like standing in front of a piece of art and being moved body and soul, so I am with words. To be able to capture a world completely imagined by someone else’s dream is remarkable. There are endless emotions, endless travels, endless opportunities in books and I stand in awe of how remarkable God is concerning our ability to imagine and create. And so, I have been visiting other peoples created works of art, taking part of their characteristic of God to create an epic story. 

Right now, I can’t put together a world like C.S. Lewis or J.R.R. Tolkien and countless others. Although, it has become a dream of mine. How funny is it the way a new dream lights up inside of you like a falling star you can almost capture! There are still a lot of things I cannot find the correct words for. Writing is a beautiful challenge that allows my soul to rest. It is an avenue of expressing the truth within myself. Writing bible studies and prayers is something I feel like I do not do enough of. Writing in general I feel like I do not do enough of it. And I don’t write near enough because like I said before fear grabs hold of me. 

I love books. I have nine bookshelves in my home completely full, with about three or so piles on the floor because there is no more room. One of my dreams is to have my own books floating on those shelves. Every time I walk in a bookstore, I walk the isles talking to God about my books sitting there. Sometimes I stand in the kid’s section dreaming about that day. I’ll stare at the Christian living section and say, “God, I think you and I could be on that shelf. We’ve come a long way together. You’ve brought me so very far.” I can feel Him smiling at me as I make my way across the store. As many of you know, my favorite scripture is from John, when he says the world couldn’t possibly hold the number of books that would be written about the works that Jesus did. That is the feeling that surrounds me when I walk amongst books. God had a part in every single one, rather they knew it or not. The author was creating in the essence of our Creator, and it draws me in. 

The other day, I flipped open one of my journals from 2019 and what I wrote inside of it during one of my prayer times, stopped me dead. 

“Risk not being known

Risk not being seen

Risk it all and let me fill in the in-betweens

Risk your words

Risk your heart

So much can happen alone with me in the dark

Risk your thoughts

Risk your eyes

I’ve molded you for this

It is all trapped inside

Risk your mouth

Risk your actions

Trust me and watch to see what all happens

Risk it all and find me here

I’m in the unknown

You are safe here”

I immediately text my prayer partner freaking out. I did exactly what God asked. I allowed myself to accept the risk of all of it. ** Still working on accepting and acting on it.**

It is ok that no one sees any of it because He does. Although culture is screaming at me to move and act. I have been doing exactly what He asked, risking it all to find Him here. My flesh has fought long hard to not fall under obedience. It was exhausting but the Holy Spirit hasn’t faltered in encouraging me or strengthening me. Though sometimes, I just like to skip it all and crawl into my bed of pity. 

But even though I have no clue what to do other than just write and allow God to see it, it is enough. I give my thoughts, the words, the ideas, the dreams – all of it… I give it all back to Him and say, Lord have your way. 

And there that’s my vulnerable post. A girl, who dreams of being an author, writing what captivates the Father’s heart.